I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
