Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize