Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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