1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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