shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
