Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Randomize
