Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
