I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize