My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We are two peas in an std pod
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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