oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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