everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
