My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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