she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
