My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
