I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
