My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
