i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
