I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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