we're chasing vodka with high fives
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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