I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
