Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
