2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
