what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
