Yo dont text me then not text me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
