Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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