stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
