well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
