I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
