i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
