Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
