I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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