my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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