Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
