You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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