I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I did not marry a roomba.
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