burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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