im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
