I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Help. Why am I so naked?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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