Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
