My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize