the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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