Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
