my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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