what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
