Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
