Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
