What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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