If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
