That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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