So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
