The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
