you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You pole danced in your parka.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
