I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
