don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize