Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
