I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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