We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
